I’m green with…

I find jealousy a really hard thing to grapple with. I’m sure most people do, but it really infuriates me. For me, I find that it gives me similar physical feelings to regret. Regret always feels like a sinking in my chest, like something I want to physically claw at.
I don’t know what’s worse, the feeling that it’s all my fault that comes with regret, or the helplessness of knowing nothing can be done that comes with jealousy.
I find a lot of the time that my jealousy comes with feelings about my body. You may have seen on my page already that I’m an ice hockey player. Something you probably don’t know is that I’m about five feet tall, and about 45kg in weight, which is… let’s just say… not ideal for hockey.
I find constantly that players who are just as skilled as me, or less, excel, move up in teams, and get more recognition, and it frustrates me so much at times. And what frustrates me more is that it's a positive spiral, the bigger you are, the faster you excel, the more opportunities you get, which makes you excel even faster.
I know I sound like a whiny child screaming “It’s not fair, it’s not fair!!”, I know I do. I know, I know that not everyone is inherently as good at everything, or is built for everything, and that sometimes the world just isn’t fair, but every time it happens it just feels like a gut punch, just knowing that if I was bigger, I’d get what I want. Knowing that the people who are taller haven’t earned being that way whatsoever they just… are. And I’m having to work so much harder, to be more skilled, just to be on par.
The women’s team above me has been letting players on my team play up. For one of them, it was her first game ever, she’d been playing for six months. That one hurt, I won’t lie. She’s since moved to their team permanently. I’ve been playing for two years. I can 1v5 the players on my team. I think anyone else who could do that would’ve moved up by now.
Anyway, it’s late, and I don’t want to get myself into a spiral, so I’m going to go to sleep now!!

From YKN
10/04/2026